The People-Pleasing Pattern

How I learned to give without needing anything back and the freedom it gave me.

When I was younger I thought the only way to be liked was to be useful, not memorable or magnetic or meaningful, just useful. If I could make you laugh, help you feel better about yourself, write something witty, pick the perfect gift, anticipate your needs before you'd even asked, then maybe, just maybe, you'd like me enough to be with or to keep me around.

It wasn't conscious of course (most survival strategies aren't) but if I look back with honest eyes, then that was the pattern I had perfected; need me, love me, want me and repeat until you like me enough to believe I'm worth keeping around.

At university I used to write funny poems for my female friends, not just for fun, even though it often was, but to make them laugh so they'd feel good about themselves and maybe that feeling would extend to me. I used to buy thoughtful or slightly extravagant gifts, not just because I cared but because I was desperate to be seen as generous, good or worthy of a place in their lives. I complimented people, not always to uplift them but because I longed for a compliment in return, some flicker of validation and a breadcrumb of belonging.

Now, I don't say any of this to elicit sympathy, far from it. I share this because if it was true for me as a people pleaser then it is quite possibly true for many of you out there too, for whom people pleasing has become part of your daily outlook and survival strategy.

I didn't know it then but I was trading generosity for approval, performing kindness in the hope of being chosen. It looked like connection and it felt like generosity but underneath it was need, disguised and wrapped in a bow and handed over with a smile, always followed by the quiet question; did it work?

However, here's the bit that might resonate with you; this behaviour is often applauded, rewarded and encouraged. "You're so thoughtful!" "You're always so generous!" "You're such a giver!" The challenging truth here is that they're actually applauding the overt behaviour without seeing the insecurity underneath it.

It's taken me years, actually it's taken me decades to be honest, to unravel that enough to be able to recognise it and speak about it, to understand that real generosity doesn't ask for applause, doesn't need a return gift, a matching compliment or a mirror held up saying "Yes, I see you too." Real generosity is whole, quiet, free and unconditional.

These days I still do lovely things for people. I still write thoughtful messages, I still lead with kindness and generosity and I still compliment people openly and often. Here's the difference though; I no longer need anything back. I no longer wait for the reply, I no longer count the "likes" and I no longer scan for reciprocity because the act of giving itself and witnessing the impact it might have on the other person, is enough. Saying something kind and knowing it landed is enough. Seeing someone smile and knowing I contributed to that is enough.

Why? Because I have learned that I am enough and that I don't need to justify or explain myself for being who I am any more. In this, by the way, I will be a work in progress my entire life, as we all are I strongly suspect.

That's what freedom increasing looks like for me now.

I share this not as a lesson but as a mirror because I know how many of us are still trapped in the give-to-get cycle of external validation, still handing out pieces of ourselves in exchange for scraps of approval.

So maybe this is a good moment to ask gently:

• Where in your life are you giving because deep down you're hoping to receive?

Not to receive money or gifts but to receive some form of external validation or acceptance to give you a sense that you matter and what might shift for you if you realised that the person you most wanted that from was you? If you looked in the mirror and gave yourself the compliment, if you saw your own value before anyone else had to reflect it back.

You see, what I have come to realise over time, after over 3 decades of work in this space, is that:

• We are worth being kind to, by us.
• We are worth recognising, by us.
• We are worth being loved, by us.

It is only when we realise this for ourselves and then give it to ourselves that we can truly receive it from others for when our kindness isn't driven by insecurity and need it becomes a superpower and that, I promise you, is the most beautiful freedom of all.