The People-Pleasing Pattern

How I learned to give without needing anything back and the freedom it gave me.

When I was younger, I thought the only way to be liked… was to be useful.

Not memorable. Not magnetic. Not meaningful. Just… useful.

If I could make you laugh, write something witty, pick the perfect gift, anticipate your needs before you’d even asked, then maybe, just maybe, you’d like me enough to keep me.

It wasn’t conscious, of course. Most survival strategies aren’t.

But if I look back with honest eyes, that was the pattern I had perfected:
Like me. Like me.
Need me. Need me.
Love me. Love me.
Want me. Want me.
Repeat.

At university, I used to write funny poems for my female friends, not just for fun even though it often was, but to make them laugh so they’d feel good…and maybe that feeling would extend to me.

I used to buy thoughtful gifts or slightly extravagant gifts, not just because I cared but because I was desperate to be seen as generous, good, worthy of a place in their lives.
I complimented people, not always to uplift them, but because I longed for a compliment in return. Some flicker of validation. A breadcrumb of belonging.

Now, I don’t say any of this to elicit any sympathy, far from it. I share this because if it was true for me as a people pleaser then it is quite possibly true for many of you out there too. 

I didn’t know it then but I was trading generosity for approval.
Performing kindness in the hope of being chosen.

It looked like connection. It felt like generosity.
But underneath? It was need. Disguised.
Wrapped in a bow. Handed over with a smile.
And always followed by the quiet question: Did it work?

And here’s the bit that might resonate with you:
This behaviour? It’s often applauded. Rewarded. Encouraged.
“You’re so thoughtful!”
“You’re always so generous!”
“You’re such a giver.”

But they’re applauding the behaviour.
Not seeing the insecurity underneath it.

It’s taken me years, actually it’s taken me decades, to unravel that enough to be able to recognise it and speak about it.

To understand that real generosity doesn’t ask for applause.
It doesn’t need a return gift, a matching compliment, a mirror held up saying “Yes, I see you too.”

Real generosity is whole. Quiet. Free. Unconditional.

These days, I still do lovely things for people. I still write thoughtful messages, lead with kindness and generosity, compliment people openly and often.
But here’s the difference: I don’t need anything back.

I don’t wait for the reply.
I don’t count the “likes.”
I don’t scan for reciprocity.

Because giving itself is enough.

Saying something kind, and knowing it landed, is enough.
Seeing someone smile, and knowing I contributed to that, is enough.

Why? Well it is because I have learned that I am enough and that I don’t need to justify or explain myself for being who I am any more. 

That’s what freedom looks like for me now.

And I share this not as a lesson, but as a mirror.
Because I know how many of us are still trapped in the give-to-get cycle.
Still handing out pieces of ourselves in exchange for scraps of approval.

So maybe this is a good moment to ask gently:

Where in your life are you giving… because deep down, you’re hoping to receive?
Not money. Not gifts. But validation. Acceptance. A sense that you matter.

And what might shift if the person you most wanted that from…
…was you?

If you looked in the mirror and gave yourself the compliment.
If you saw your own value before anyone else had to reflect it back.

💬 You are worth being kind to, by you.
💬 You are worth recognising, by you.

💬 You are worth being loved, by you.

Because when your kindness isn’t driven by need… it becomes a superpower.
And that, I promise you, is the most beautiful freedom of all.