Louis Theroux’s Manosphere documentary

  Watching Louis Theroux’s Manosphere documentary this week left me thinking about a much bigger question facing men today. As a man and a father it raises important questions for me about where we focus and how we tackle it, none of which are are binary or straightforward.

On the one hand we have the online world, probably the most compelling medium for the escalation of this content due to its unprecedented reach. Prior to the internet, young boys had their parents, family and immediate friends as their influencers, now they have glamorous, power posing men from all over the world portraying what most insecure boys and adolescents think are 'success' criteria for being a man; having money, women, admiration etc beamed into their bedrooms, sitting rooms, downtime 24/7. As you say, tell someone something enough times without an equal alternative perspective and their perception becomes their reality.

These are, in my personal opinion, men who have not moved with the times. They’re men who hark back to previous times and generations where men got their sense of Self from their muscle mass (look how big and strong I am, that must make me manly and attractive) or their bank balance (look how rich I am, that must make me manly and attractive).

Both perspectives risk exposing a root limiting belief along the lines of either ‘I am not enough’ (as I am) and ‘I am not lovable’ (for who I am). Put another way, my muscle mass can physically dominate you so you’ll become submissive to my wants and my bank account will create financial dependency on you so you’ll become submissive to what I want.

Why I think this is because this is the man I grew up to become having been raised in a highly patriarchal environment and culture in the north of England in the 1970s and 80s at the hands of a highly emotionally, physically and financially abusive father and subservient mother, it’s what I grew up believing was normal.

Thus, it is my personal experience that points me towards seeing the problem these men now face as:

‘The manosphere exists because many men have lost a healthy sense of identity and purpose in a changing world’.

Women can become as physically strong as they are, allowing for the age old belief that a woman can never be as strong as a man based on physiology. They can be financially as and even more successful than them now.

So…what is the purpose of a man now?

This appears to be the problem statement these boys and adolescents trapped inside adult male bodies are facing. Society’s challenge is that no-one has equipped them to deal with it nor is it protecting those vulnerable recipients of this portrayal.

The men in question are not prepared or willing to address it by looking beyond their desperate need to keep what they believe is their divine right. In my experience this is exactly what many insecure young men are brought up to yearn for: power, money and domination. Everything they believe they themselves are not. It is the psychology of boys and teenagers playing out inside adult male bodies and explains why the man in front of you often behaves emotionally like a boy or adolescent... So what do we do?

How do we replace the need for multiple and submissive partners with the realisation that a deeply loving relationship can provide us with more than the others ever could. One is generally fuelled by chronic insecurity and lack of self-worth, whilst the other is generally fuelled by self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-worth. Sweeping statements granted.

Education alone will not solve this. When a young man can choose between listening to a quietly dressed teacher or a rich, powerful looking man surrounded by beautiful women, we should not be surprised which voice wins. It has a part to play for sure but I’d argue that this needs to happen at home within the family dynamic. Parents need to make the time for these discussions rather than either lecture or ignore them.

Male role models are essential, equally powerful and successful men living the values, garnering the visibility and respect of the very audiences these young men wish to attract and be attractive to, showing them how to become the quality of man they so desperately seek to be but without any idea of how. Young boys need to be exposed to this calibre of man and young girls also do, so they learn what healthy male behaviour looks like.

Female role models are essential, equally powerful and successful women living the lives they wish to live as not only the quality of woman these young men wish to attract and be attractive to but also showing young girls that they absolutely do not have to put up with anything less than being treated respectfully.

I think it is fair to say that there are more dynamic, successful and amazing female role models out there in the world currently than there are male equivalents. Men need to step up MUCH more.

The patriarchy damages both boys and men and also girls and women. It is my life’s purpose to support the dismantling of it. This is everyone’s responsibility but especially men’s. Both genders are needed to support and change the world and more female leaders in our communities, companies and governments is a good place to start. Iceland and Finland provide strong examples of what that can look like.

As always, it comes down to balance and we live in a world that is very out of balance currently. Each and every one of us can play our part in restoring or working towards a more balanced world, even if, or especially if, it appears too big and overwhelming. That’s the point. We must do this in spite of it appearing overwhelming so that it ceases to remain that.

So the question we can all ask ourselves is what am I doing today to make a difference to this dynamic? Am I:

• Refusing to be in a relationship with a man who does not treat me respectfully
• Calling fellow men out when they’re sexist, disrespectful or misogynistic
• Changing my behaviours to reflect my unwillingness to play this game anymore

After more than thirty years coaching leaders, men and women through personal and cultural change, I know how difficult this work can be. After decades of seeking to change who I grew up to be in order to become a much healthier role model for my children, I also know that it is possible and that I couldn’t have got to where I am today without both inner determination and a lot of help, support and being told uncomfortable home truths along the way.

Change like this does not happen through outrage or slogans. It happens when individuals decide they are no longer willing to play the old game.

In summary, I have learned that together we can make the changes we seek in society.

So the question remains: How are you making that change?